July 20, 2021
Dearest Jesus, I am very weak right now and feel fragile both in and out. I feel like I could do nothing at all. Please continue to sustain my needs. I could not open my mouth to speak audibly like I used to do in the past to you, Father, because I have been having heart pain since birth, which has caused me muteness.
I feel led to share my testimony here and how I have found Jesus. I have been formally diagnosed with Complex Trauma since late 2017. I have been having flashbacks since early 2016 until present ongoing. I have been hospitalized in 2017 once, 2019 once, 2020 twice and 2021 twice. Out of the 6 hospitalizations, I have been to the psychiatric ICU thrice. I had my three suicide attempts survived in July 2019, two in January 2021 and two in May 2021. My trauma history involves seven sexual traumas, bullying at school and nanny’s negligence.
Throughout the years since 2017, Jesus had been giving me caring words in acknowledgements of my traumas and healing. He had drawn me to Him with His unconditional love. I am thankful that I have survived my suicide attempts so many times by His grace. I want to share His love to the world, that despite I ran away from him in the past, He had not forsaken me.
Please heal my daily flashbacks and that I would not land into the hospital again, Father. I came to love you ever since 2012 and right now, I come to love you even more in 2021. You told me, “I will not forsake her, ever!” (2017) from a long term friend of mine. It is throughout the hard times, I cling to your personal words here. I also remember you said, “There is nothing you could say or do that would stop My love for you!” (2017) has shown your unconditional love to me, despite I sometimes had fallen into sins, but you would hold me back up with forgiveness again and again.
Life is temporal and is without meaning, if it is without Jesus my Savior who gives eternal life by faith. What is the point to live a life that is temporal and then die without the earthly memories that were once cherished? I have given up everything in my life on the earth, knowing that I am storing back what was lost in Heaven and even more of my heart’s desires.